Communique by medical personnel confirm: Despite cession of the Spleen to rebel insurgents as a “good faith gesture,” Free Radicals continue to agitate, refuse to cease and desist from dealing illegal enzymes to support terrorist activity, and openly flout ASE demands.

The Body of Adam Stephen Engel (ASE) is now under Martial Law and will remain so until victory is achieved, the Free Radicals subdued, eliminated, banished. Every healthy cell is subject to serve in the military forces headed by Chief of Staff, General Rufus Cranium, of ASE multicellular forces. Any cell refusing such service, for whatever reason, will be executed without trial or ceremony.

A total ban on sugar, chemical additives and all processed foods will be maintained while ASE, reeling from this surprise attack but eager to pursue this war to its bitter conclusion, arms for engagement and drafts and trains anti-oxidents from the relatively close and stable apples and oranges, Kale, broccoli and spinach, to such exotic fighting forces as turnips, kumquats, rutabagas and Albanian parsnip.

All manner of leafy green vegetables, squash, tubers and all variety of fruits, legumes and whole grains are encouraged to enlist and serve the body politic.

Highly trained Chinese Herbs and other Special Forces will participate as crucial components of this mass engagement.

General Cranium’s overall strategy relies heavily on deep concentration, imagination and will: rugged anti-oxident commandos, drafted from the lean, hard country of kale, collards and bok choy, trained in the arts of Chinese herbal warfare during intense boot-camp and special ops mobilization drills, will surge forth as Grant’s wave upon wave of Union soldiers washed over Lee’s South, drowning The Confederacy and it’s inhabitants in the blood of their own perdition.

Casualties? Eat more fruits and veggies, induct more recruits, train them in the ancient Chinese herbal arts and send them in to murder the damned “Free Radicals” one by one. Mass extermination. Radi-cide. Every Free Radical must die. The system will be cleansed. Order must be imposed and maintained. Only then can we as an organism be truly free.

“War is Hell,” said Sherman. To which Grant added, “Yeah, a HELL of a lotta fun!”

Asked for comment, General Rufus Cranium’s terse reply was, “Onward!”